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"Where Souls Unite"™

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This is your chance!  Ask the Holistic Relationship Experts anything you want to know about true love and a balanced life.  Email your Questions to info@HeartSongSolutions.ca, Subject: Questions.

10+ Tips to Create your Best Relationship Ever

A Dynamic Guide for Couples (and Singles!)

1. Self Love
2. Respect
3. Play
4. Safety, Trust, and Intimacy
5. Allies in Growth
6. Communication
7. Deep Listening
8. “I am Grateful For … I Forgive You For”
9. Shared Vision
10. Love, Tenderness, and Laughter
11. Be In the Now

1. Self Love

Relationships with others are an extension of our relationship with ourself. To create a better love relationship with our partner, the first and consistent step (it never goes out of fashion) is to pay close attention to how we care for ourself.

The more you appreciate yourself; the more you believe in yourself; the more you value your inner self, your gifts and your particular attributes – the more open you will be to loving and being loved. When we are critical of ourself, we close ourself off from access to love. We create thick walls, endeavoring to hide our perceived shortfalls from the one we love. This runs contrary to our desire to love and be loved.

So the first step in creating a wonderful love relationship with our partner is to create a wonderful love relationship with ourself.

Notice how you speak about yourself.

Notice how you speak to yourself.

What is your attitude towards ‘you’?

If it is at all derogatory, impatient or unkind, then your relationship with you needs repair. Be gentle with yourself. Lower your expectations. Celebrate your accomplishments, your gifts and your skills. Be your own best ally. Turn your self ‘enemy’ into a self ‘cheerleader’. Love yourself more … and you’ll open your ‘pores’ to receive your partner’s love and affection.

2. Respect

The cornerstone of all great relationships is respect. If you have chosen a partner whom you don’t respect, then either you have compromised your ideals, or you aren’t perceiving their winning traits.

Let go of blame. No one but you is responsible for your happiness and for your life. If your chosen partner isn’t someone whom you can fully respect, you have two choices. Stay and be miserable. Or leave. Letting go of blame may surprise you with a third option. If the seed of respectability in your partner has been masked by your blame, then you may begin to witness a ‘glow’ in your partner that will draw you to fall in love with her/him.

Respect yourself. This is a key aspect of Self Love. If you punish yourself with useless guilt, blame and shame, you aren’t making yourself available for love.

What have you done wrong? Either fix it or forgive yourself – and move on. You only ever live in the ‘now’. Blame and regret hook you into the never-ending past. Let go the hook. Float into the now. Here you will find your power, your clarity, and your true love.

3. Play

When we first meet our partner, no matter what age we are, we behave like pubescent teenagers. We flirt. We dance around each other, heightening the electric spark which will infuse our love.

Keeping a relationship young and alive has everything to do with play. Play is more than making time to go out together on dates – to dinner, movies, sports and other leisure activities. Play is play.

What ‘lightens you and your partner up’? Is it playing teasingly competitive games? Is it having snowball fights? Is it playing ‘tag’? Is it tickling each other? Is it playing board games? Is it creating something fun together – cooking, baking or building a craft?

Play is what keeps us all young – and so it inherently is what keeps a relationship young. Adults tend to become more and more serious. Our happiness and health take a nose dive as a result – as does our most precious intimate relationship.

Make a decision together with your partner to explore new ways to play. Lighten your spirits! Rediscover the spark in each other – over and over again.

4. Safety, Trust, and Intimacy

Play widens and deepens the terrain in which we connect with our loved one. It opens up the space in which we explore each other.

Healthy relationships are built on trust. Trust allows for ecstatic intimacy. All this requires safety as its base.

5. Allies in Growth

Safety naturally arises when we are allies. Most relationships falter when people inadvertently become each other’s critics and thus enemies. Without the conscious awareness to choose an alternate path, most people become disheartened and afraid when they witness their partner’s ‘weaker side’. Rather than ‘holding loving space’ for their partner to grow and strengthen themselves, they attack.

The most direct path to becoming each other’s ally – and thus creating an unshakeable foundation of safety in your relationship – is this:

a). Become conscious of what your and your partner’s areas of greatest challenge are – Trust? Organization? Fitness? Discipline? Desire? Self Love? Confidence? Or something else?

b). Notice your tendency to attack – to undermine – your partner when he/she is in the midst of this area of challenge.

c). Discipline yourself. Rather than attacking – through words, glares or actions – simply ‘hold space’. Hold in your heart and mind an air of compassion. Love them the more for their challenge. Hold a loving ‘container’ in which they can grow. They will trust you all the more, increasing profoundly their experience of safety. This safety will naturally lead to greater intimacy.

6. Communication

Communication is the constant thread that links us. We each have different styles – which is the source of much miscommunication and confusion in relationships. Familiarizing yourself with systems such as the Enneagram and Numerology can assist you in identifying your and your partner’s predominant communication styles.

Most of our communication is actually non-verbal – it is expressed through our tone of voice, our body language and simply through the ‘dance’ of energy between us. Consider this: A smile or a hug is worth a thousand words. (Which is why physical intimacy is such a cornerstone in building and nurturing a healthy relationship.)

Here are a few communication tips:

a). When a challenge or a tension arises between partners, it is the role of the first person who notices it to draw it to the attention of both people.

b). All irritations need to be addressed. Very seldom does a tension resolve itself. Challenges which go unaddressed tend to grow in proportion, attracting other challenges to them. As soon as you notice something niggling at you, find a time to speak with your partner. ‘Nip it in the bud.’

7. Deep Listening

What we say is often not what we actually mean. Deep beneath the surface layers of our words lies our true message.

How do we listen to our partner’s deep meaning?

We listen with our whole body. We relax into our body, take deeper breaths, and attune to the energy of their entire being. When we do this, we drop down inside ourselves into compassion. We ‘bypass’ our own fear, and we awaken to who they are in the moment, what they are expressing, what they most want, what they are asking for.

Deep listening involves so much more than our ears. When we listen solely with our ears, we listen in a conditioned way. We listen through our filters, our resentments, our assumptions and our own fears.

When we ‘Deep Listen’, our being is recognizing another’s being.

This creates more trust. As we ‘receive’ our partner in a more holistic way, they feel safer and more completely accepted by us. This deepens our intimacy – as they naturally offer more of themselves to us.

8. “I am Grateful For … I Forgive You For”

This is one of the most effective and relationship-transforming practices that my husband brought into the fledgling stages of our relationship. It goes like this …

As you lie in bed at night – or sitting together on the sofa if you prefer – sense together (each evening has a different ‘flow’) who will speak first – and who will listen.

The speaker takes a moment to relax his or her body, letting its weight fall heavily into the sofa or the bed. Taking a few deep breaths, he or she then vocalizes 5 things that “I am grateful for” pertaining to his or her partner. Then he or she vocalizes 5 things that “I forgive you for”. During this, the partner remains silent and deeply listens – without response or reaction.

Then the roles reverse. The listener becomes the speaker, and vice versa.

What develops – through this practice – is an opportunity to express and to receive reflections of how deeply we enrich each other’s lives (“I am grateful for”). Plus it is an opportunity to express in a safe environment what we wish was different in our partner’s way of being and living (“I forgive you for”). In silence as the listener, we have the tremendous opportunity of simply hearing what someone close to us desires we do or be differently.

My husband and I practiced this for approximately two years at the beginning of our relationship. We built such a foundation of love and respect and clear communication through this simple practice. Nothing was out of bounds to communicate or to hear. Our relationship is so incredibly honest and trusting as a result of this.

9. Shared Vision

The ideal relationship is one in which we are complements to each other – we each bring unique experiences, viewpoints and desires to our shared relationship.

The best relationships are ones in which a ‘Shared Vision’ grows. This Vision might include a homestead which nourishes both people and fosters greater depth in the relationship. A philanthropic project which gives both people – together – an experience of deep sharing with others. A company or business which is a vehicle for both people to share their passionate attributes. A hobby or travel destination which inspires both people and supports them to grow deeper in their love.

A Shared Vision can be anything. It is simply this – a desire which both people share to create something meaningful together.

This ‘Shared Vision’ becomes a magnet which draws both people deeper into themselves and simultaneously closer together. It brings out the best in them.

This ‘Shared Vision’ – just like the relationship itself – develops a life of its own. This … is what makes a relationship so magnificent.

10. Love, Tenderness, and Laughter

No matter how robust two people are. No matter how athletic they are. No matter how much worldly responsibility they share. … It is vital that Tenderness and Laughter be given a room in every relationship.

Love is borne of Tenderness and Laughter. Like play, it is in this energy field that we let down our guards, soften our underbellies, and expose our most precious elements to our partner.

Taking vacations together is one of the best – and easiest – ways to access Tenderness and Laughter.

It’s essential, too, to create the space / time for Tenderness and Laughter in our day-to-day at-home lives.

A simple way to ensure its presence is to hold an intention to find at least one moment in every day to say a genuine “I Love You” to your partner. Not a rote one – words that are hollow. A genuine one. This may require you to slow down, let go of judgment and blame, and listen to them deeply.

What drew you to your partner initially? Is that quality or attribute still there? What has blossomed since you met? What is special or unique about them?

Your not perceiving their greatest assets is not because they don’t have them. It may simply be that you’ve become – temporarily – preoccupied with your own pain or frustration to notice them.

Slow down. Take a deep breath. And remember what you love most about your partner. Then say … “I love you” … from the depth of your belly, and the fullness of your heart.

… And notice how your relationship deepens and widens … how much more bliss flows in.

11. Be In the Now

Most relationships crumble because one or both partners become snagged in the past. Blame, un-communicated challenges, and resentment are the primary causes of this.

If your relationship breaks down, it will likely be that one of these three have existed.

If you have chosen your partner as someone whom you can Respect, Play with, be an Ally in Growth with, Share a Vision with, and Trust, then your relationship will last blissfully long – as long as you both are growing concurrently.

All relationships end. They naturally end when the benefit of our being together has run its full course.

Most relationships end ‘unnecessarily’. They end because one or both people built up resentment rather than taking responsibility for communicating something that was irritating them. Or they end because one or both people weren’t Self Loving and therefore weren’t open to truly giving and receiving love.

Your relationship blossoming into one of unparalleled bliss is completely within your ability.

Take a deep breath.

Go back to when you first met. Skip forward in time, picking up everything about your partner and about being together that still nourishes you. And let everything else go.

This is who you are as a relationship now. Nothing else matters. Drop it.

Be the love and joy and appreciation that you are now.

Practice this regularly – every six months at least.

This will ‘refresh’ your relationship – just like cleaning a chalk board or refreshing your computer screen.

Your relationship is so precious. Practice this frequently. Keep training your mind to experience your relationship In The Now.

© 2008 Ariole K. Alei, Co-Founder of HeartSongMatchmaking, HeartSongSolutions, SoulfulSinglesBlog, Veraxis Coaching and Training, ArioleAlei

I'm feeling quite discombobulated/off-kilter because my "crushee" doesn't seem to be a fit!!! - P.S.

Crushee's do one thing so wonderfully well - they open our hearts to love!  - Ariole

Thank you so much for that positive thought, Ariole!!! - P.S.

You are very welcome.  Sometimes 'reframing' something in our mind allows us to reap the exquisite bounty which it offers - rather than perceive it as 'dry'.  Enjoy your inner feelings of attraction!  Let them bring you to life!!  - Ariole

I cannot see myself settling for less than a true mate....I would prefer to remain on my own than compromise for companionship. I'm sure you understand. - C.R.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and your values.

I understand and have compassion for your desire to be with a man who already has manifested certain character traits and a certain quality of life.

This process takes ‘hard’ work and is of interest to people who seek spiritual enlightenment.  When we share life with a person who does not yet live a fulfilling, satisfying, joyful life but who is willing to adjust their “Inner Being” accordingly to realize their dreams from the inside out, what we reap in return is the magnificent re-union of our inner male and female energies, and the experience of Oneness.

While [the men you have met recently do not] personify your ideal man now, who knows?  Perhaps with the right love and nurturing they might transform into the man who will fulfill your deespest desires.

Please feel free to call if you would like to speak to me about this.

With Joy and Gratitude,

Colin

"I broke up with my boyfriend 11 months ago - although at first I thought we could be friends, I've realized this is not possible. So I decided to eliminate him from my life by avoiding him. Only problem is that he seems to find me about once or twice a week & asks detailed questions about my life. He told me a month or so ago that he is seeing someone but then did research on a race I was competing in (he went out of the country to do research on this race for me). I'm confused with what he wants & what he is doing - he was never a very supportive boyfriend nor was he ever interested in my life when we were a couple. Now his personality seems to have changed & he really is a guy that I would want in my life but he seems gun shy when I try to get him to get together. I really want to get to know this new great guy who is slowly integrating himself into my life. My friends suggest that I tell him to get lost but I don't want to hurt him & I really don't know what to do, any suggestions how to deal with this?" - Laura M

Thank you for question. I am sure that there are many people who are dealing with similar issues like yours. Actually, there are several points in your 'story' that I would like to address, and all together, one could teach a whole workshop around what's going on here. But I'll try to keep my answers short.

#1: Don't listen to what your friends say unless they have demonstrated to you through their life that they are actually masters at love and intimate relationship. Most people aren't and they respond mostly from their emotional states which for most people include humiliation, blame, anxiety and hate. Rarely do people approach situations like these from a level of understanding, love and respect.

#2: Make no assumptions about what might hurt him. How do we ever know how another person might respond or react? Is it not true that we often are afraid that we cannot stand the strain of potential conflict?

#3: Why not be honest with him? Why not say it as it is? Why not tell him "I have a problem. I am confused. You used to be a different person than you are now, and there is a part in me that would like to get to know you better. How interested are you in exploring with me how we could build a relationship that is rooted in mutual love and respect?"

#4: Be silent and listen to his response.

Most often relationships fail because people have incomplete communication, which then leads to frustration and break-up. Imagine how good and fulfilling your life could be if you knew how to ask the right questions? Effective communication will keep both you and him honest so that you can find the truth. We teach this in our book HeartSong: Conversations About Love, Joy and Sex - Discover the Secret to a Fulfilling Love Relationship as well as at our Workshops.

In the meantime, explore these four steps. Try them on for size. Practice them. I sincerely hope that this has been helpful to you and many others as well.

May you love long and prosper,

Colin

How am I able to have unconditional love when my practical side protects
me from men who: smoke, are bums, or alchohlic, lazy, selfish etc etc?

- Jane D

This is such a great and important question.  Most people who are contemplating how to love more sooner or later face this difficulty: How can I love what is not loveable?

The answer is simple and straight forward: unconditional love comes paired with clear, healthy boundaries.  This is the essence - the very heart - of respect.  Without proper boundaries, such as, "My child, I will always love you.  And I will not endorse or tolerate your inappropriate behavior", one is disrespectful to oneself and to others.  Unconditional love begins with my being respectful, honest and straight forward with myself.  It precludes and excludes self-abuse, self-sacrifice and useless suffering.

Coming back to your example, Jane, you can love a man unconditionally who smells like tobacco, but you don't have to agree to be near him when he reeks.  Don't judge his habit, but look for an agreement to spend time together when he does not smell.  This allows you to be honest with yourself and to connect with him on a level of truth, giving him a clear message of what is important to you - and what your personal boundaries are.  The message is, "I want to be with you, but not when you smell".

There is no right or wrong - other than you not being true to yourself. 

This is conditional love.  Unconditional love is being honest and respectful: we love a person so much that we are willing to take a risk and be honest with them.

Colin Hillstrom
June 6, 2006

What should I do if I'm too busy to meet people?

Why do you not have time?  How do you decide how you spend your time?  On a scale of 1 - 10, how important is love and relationship to you?  What if 'I'm too busy' was an excuse?  What might you be afraid of and trying to avoid?  The point is, if you dream of love, romance, and relationship, a part of you wants it - and possibly needs it - for the purpose of whole life fulfillment.  Unless you have fully and completely committed yourself to a life of a single person and celibacy, saying 'I'm too busy for love' is a way of self-deception.  In this case, we highly recommend that you start working with a Coach to do some inner work to open your heart and move you forward and up!

How do I know when I've met the right person?

How do you know when you haven't met the right person?  Become clear who you want to be with.  Start making a list of what you definitely do not want in another person.  Notice what inspires and uplifts you in your interactions with other people - what brings out the best in you?  Make a list of your specific interests (such as being outdoors, music, … )  Ask people you meet for their list and look for common ground.  Why?  Because a significant part of a good relationship is the ability to share life together in our common interests.  When you find someone who meets all of the above, you're well on your way.

Do you have a relationship question?  Ask the Holistic Relationship Experts!

Email your Questions to info@HeartSongSolutions.ca, Subject: Questions.

Learn from our responses to other people's questions, too!  Questions and responses (they can be anonymous if you wish) are posted regularly on this page.

Create A Clear Vision Of Your Love Now!